Episode 23: Bread & Butter Sex Deserves Better PR! Part 2

In this episode Kate Thomas and Georgina Whelan from Sexual Psychology cover:

• What bread and butter sex actually is and why it deserves better PR
• Why people need a transition phase between everyday life and intimacy
• Desire and arousal in long-term relationships and why it changes over time
• Why sex often shifts significantly every 5 to 10 years in a relationship
• Responsive versus spontaneous desire and what the difference means in practice
• How to introduce sex toys and novelty into a long-term relationship without awkwardness
• Why relaxation, safety and connection often need to come before desire
• Why good sex does not look like the movies and why that is completely fine

Bread and butter sex is the everyday, comfortable, familiar intimacy that keeps long-term relationships connected between the more spontaneous or adventurous moments. In Episode 23, Georgina makes the case that this kind of sex is consistently undervalued and under-discussed, despite being the most common and arguably the most important form of intimacy in long-term relationships. The cultural obsession with passionate, spontaneous, movie-worthy sex creates unrealistic expectations that make ordinary intimacy feel like a failure rather than the foundation it actually is. 

One of the most practically useful insights in Episode 23 is the concept of a transition phase, the idea that most people simply cannot switch from the mental load of everyday life directly into feeling present, relaxed and connected enough for intimacy. Work emails, school lunches, household stress and mental exhaustion do not evaporate the moment someone decides they want to be intimate. Georgina and Kate discuss what this transition actually looks like, why building it into a relationship changes everything, and why the absence of it explains so much unspoken frustration between partners. 

One of the most important and least understood distinctions in sexual health is the difference between responsive and spontaneous desire. Spontaneous desire arises seemingly out of nowhere, the way it tends to be portrayed in films and popular culture. Responsive desire arises in response to stimulation, context, connection and safety. Neither is better or more normal than the other, but misunderstanding the difference causes enormous unnecessary distress in relationships. Georgina explains this clearly in Episode 23, and for women whose desire has changed during perimenopause or menopause, understanding this distinction can be genuinely transformative. 

Episode 23 includes a fascinating discussion about how sex tends to shift in significant ways roughly every 5 to 10 years in a long-term relationship, driven by life stage changes, hormonal shifts, evolving priorities and the natural evolution of intimacy over time. Rather than framing these changes as problems to fix, Georgina and Kate discuss them as expected transitions that can be navigated with communication, curiosity and a willingness to adapt. For women in perimenopause and menopause, this framing is particularly valuable because hormonal changes are one of many factors shaping how desire and intimacy evolve. 

Episode 23 covers practical territory that many couples think about but rarely discuss openly: how to introduce sex toys and novelty into a long-term relationship without it feeling awkward, loaded or like a criticism of what came before. Georgina approaches this with warmth, humour and zero judgment, offering genuinely useful guidance for couples at any stage of a relationship. The episode also mentions taboohub.com.au with a 10% discount code GEORGE for listeners, and maxblack.com.au as a recommended resource. 

The closing theme of Episode 23 is a reassuring and funny dismantling of the cultural template for what good sex is supposed to look like. The movies version of intimacy is spontaneous, effortless, perfectly synchronised and completely divorced from the reality of tired, busy, hormonal, distracted human beings in long-term relationships. Georgina and Kate make the case that letting go of that template is not lowering your standards. It is making space for something more honest, more sustainable and ultimately more satisfying. 

 Georgina Whelan is a sex therapist and founder of Sexual Psychology. You can find her at sexualpsychology.com.au 

 If this episode has raised questions about libido, hormones, perimenopause or your medication options, a telehealth pharmacist consultation with Kate is a great next step. In a dedicated one-on-one session you can go through your symptoms, your current medications and your treatment options in plain language, without rushing. 

Book a consultation with Kate Thomas.

You can view the transcript for this episode below